An Epiphany
There may be very few out there that find this of any meaning but for me it has
been a BIG release and in turn I know that if I have had this issue there are
others who have or are struggling with it also. So I am going to share.
I was laying in bed this morning between being awake and
debating on whether to go back to sleep when I thought... "I did this to
myself!! When I had money I used to always say "It is nice to have it but I
would be just as happy without it." So I was laying there wondering if I changed
those words around to something along the lines of "OK I thought I would be
happier without it but I now know that it is better to have it." If it would
change my life for the better and then it hit me... like a ton of
bricks....
I was raised in a Baptist church. Although I have been
walking a pagan path for over 15 years I realized this morning that I did not
get rid of all of my Christian beliefs because I still found myself going to the
Gods and Goddesses and asking for forgiveness for my "sins"... I carried the
dogma of sin within me this whole time but the kicker to this is that no matter
how many times I asked for forgiveness I never felt forgiven. Why? Because I
held myself to the Christian dogma of what sin is and could never release what I
felt I had done wrong within my life. So all these years I carried these
burdens within myself like a martyr trying to beg, borrow and plead with the
Goddess to take them away but I WAS NOT WILLING to let them GO!! It was my
punishment to live with them, of course, since the Goddess wouldn't take them!
Until this morning!
So here is what I have realized. First I no longer
believe in "sin"... Secondly I am human and am going to make mistakes. We learn
from mistakes and if our mistakes are bad enough Karma will bite us in the butt,
but once the mistake is made we must forgive OURSELF before the Goddess can take
it away. The Goddess doesn't deem that you are wrong and need to pay penance. The Universe says that if you do this you will pay this consequence and you do. Ultimately the choice of "forgiveness" is one that YOU must make for
yourself. YOU have to release the guilt you feel for the wrong you perceive.
The Goddess cannot do it for you. You can choose to hold onto it and feel bad
for your past ills and continue to beat yourself up over it or you can see that
you have learned whatever lesson you were suppose to learn and have paid for the
mistake if it was one that caused Karma to show you your lesson but once it is
done it is done and holding onto it serves no purpose.
The guilt we carry around for our perceived wrong
actions and mistakes will eat us alive and keeps us within the mindset of non
deserving. Until we release ourselves from the feeling of the guilt then we
stay in a rut of feeling unworthy. Once we realize that the things that have
happened to us, that we had no control over and did not cause is not our fault
and once we realize that our actions hurt us more than others because we have
chosen to hold onto them and let them rule our lives we are free! This
realization that I have not "sinned" and am not judged by the powers that be
constantly and continually has been a very freeing experience.
I believe that no matter what religion we come from we
bring parts of it to our path and we may not always realize it. I brought the
dogma of sin to mine. I judged myself according to the Christrian rules and in
turn held onto things that were not necessary to hang on to. I have never done
anything so terrible in my life that I should hide and be ashamed and yet that
is how I felt about things I have done that hurt others. I believe that the
hurt they felt is nothing to the guilt I have carried over the years for hurting
them and all of this is because I didn't realize that I had held onto this
dogma. I cannot tell you how many times I have sat in front of my altar begging
the Goddess to "take this away" or "release me from this" and always it has been
a past "sin" that I was begging for when in reality I didn't realize that I was
judging myself by another religions standards and that I was the only one that
could release it and move on.
What a wonderful and freeing lesson I have learned this
morning... for me it is life changing!!
Many Blessings,
Sage
How wonderful Sage. This is the very thing that I myself have a hard time dealing with. I don't really think of my mistakes as "sin" because I was never religious and never raised to be either, but I did still feel that unbarable guilt that you speak of. I am slowly learning to forgive myself. I guess for me its a process. So congrats. Blessed Be.
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Very well put. One of the reasons I can give good advice, when asked, is that I've made so many mistakes and learned from them. Forgiving yourself is always hardest, but you can't change what's already happened. All you can do is learn from it and move on.
Christianity does have some values I still hang on to, the main one being the Golden Rule - do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That is just such an essential rule for living in harmony with others.
I'm glad you had your epiphany. I hope you remember it when you've done things that you probably shouldn't.
Thanks for directing me here from Crone's Corner
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I completely concur. We carry our past beliefs with us and in turn it hinders our true growth and becoming our authentic selves....
Blessings and hugs
Ani
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